It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

CANDIDATE A - Associates with crooked politicians and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. He never really attributed his success to God or spoke deeply of his faith.

CANDIDATE B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. He once offered that "my religion prescribed an absolute sacred rite to smoking cigars and drinking alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and the intervals between them."

CANDIDATE C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer, and never cheated on his spouse. Before coming to office, he once declared that "today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before the fact that it was for this that He (Jesus) had to shed His blood upon the cross. As a Christian, I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice. And if there is anything which could demonstrate that we are acting rightly, it is the distress that daily grows. For as a Christian, I have also a duty to my own people."

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Would someone just please tell this fat, irrelevant slob to shut the fuck up?  Pat Robertson was right.

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

I love hot dogs, and in my effort to eat healthier, I went against my better judgement and purchased some veggie dogs.  Whoever invented these abominations ought to have just shit in a bag and sold that because it couldn't have tasted any worse, and the texture was pretty much the same too.

I'm tired of being a heart attack waiting to happen, so I've been trying to eat healthier.  I just bought a lot of organic food and tonight I'm making spaghetti with turkey instead of beef, and my own homemade marinara sauce. I hope it's good.